Not Good at Intimate Relationships

·        by miyukiphd

·        (Originally posted) June 8, 2018

The profession I finally chose was a Clinical Psychologist. I was originally thinking of becoming a researcher (in the field of cognition and memory), and it still intrigues me how I ended up as a clinical psychologist! As my interest has been memory, I see many clients with a history of trauma whose memory is heavily affected by their experiences. However, I also enjoy seeing clients who present with common issues such as the direction of their career or intimate relationship. I believe that the attempt to resolve these common issues is a necessary pathway to discovering true self and happiness.

People naturally desire to be loved and seek approval from others (we are social animals!) to different degrees and finding an eternal love may even be a purpose in life for some people. So, I see many clients whose intimate relationship issues are causing them significant distress. The issues could be current boy/girlfriend, marriage, ex-partners, or even future partners. What most surprised me was the frequency of affairs that I come across. With my logical view, I could say “you need to finish the current one before going to the next”, but an affair is not always short-term nor simple, and my logic does not work.

For example, imagine someone who is married to a person who is successful and kind. S/he has a good and successful job and beautiful children. They have many common friends and they look very happy. But my client told me that s/he cannot express what s/he wants or cannot attain what s/he wants from their partner. An affair can be the person who could fulfil the void instantly – fulfil only the missing piece. Although continuing the affair creates great guilt and shame, it does not seem that easy for my client to end the relationship. My client knows that s/he cannot / should not continue this unhealthy relationship, which brought her/him in to therapy. Most of them do not know what to do – continue or cease one of the relationships.

What do you think I would tell them?

Firstly, I would not tell my client what (not) to do, nor criticise what s/he has done. My opinion, ethical or social measurement is not helpful. Psychology is different from legal advice. Instead, I start with exploring my client’s relationship history, including the relationship with his/her parents, friends and partners. Of which, parents are the first attachment figures, and it is very important for me to understand the origin of my client’s relationship issues.

The emotional bond, or attachment is formed in different forms: Secure; Anxious Ambivalent (or Preoccupied); Avoidant (or Dismissing); and Disorganised (or Fearful Avoidant) styles. These styles are differentiated by the level of approach (from approach to avoid the attachment figure) and the level of fear (from fearful to not fearful). For example, if a baby develops secure attachment with their caregiver, then s/he would approach when distressed without fear; whereas a baby with anxious ambivalent attachment will approach but will be fearful of rejection (see more about attachment styles). So, understanding what kind of attachment they learned is important. Learning is not only direct learning, and we also learn from our observation. So, I also ask my client how his/her parents expressed their love / affection to each other, which became my client’s role model. Furthermore, exploring their coping in relationship issues is also necessary. This is because as no one partner would fulfil our needs completely, all the time, we attempt to fill the gap in different ways. For instance, an individual may focus on something more controllable than one’s relationship issues (e.g., work) and avoid facing the issues. These coping styles are stored in our implicit memory, and we are not always aware of our default coping styles, which may be unhelpful to our intimate relationships.

 Are you surprised that I don’t answer their questions nor talk about morality? I don’t give my clients answers that influence their lives. Instead, I help them to bring their implicit definition of love (attachment) and coping to awareness. This also helps my clients see the patterns of their relationships. Therapy can be emotionally draining, as we will have to get in touch with the past pain, but this also deepens emotional (not intellectual) understanding of their life patterns, which results in a new, healthy perception.

I will then teach my clients healthy coping (e.g., communication, emotion regulation etc.). After their past pain is healed, my clients are ready to make good decisions. It is always my pleasure to see my clients is improving their intimate relationship with the newly acquired secure attachment and healthy coping.