Learning from Grief

·        by miyukiphd

 ·  (Originally posted) November 19, 2017

All living creatures including human beings are given finite time, and someday, we will face the loss of a loved one. I have seen clients who lost their loved one in different ways. The loss can cause many different emotional and practical consequences. For example, the realisation of eternal loss of future with the deceased would cause sadness, emptiness and despair. Other emotions, such as guilt and loss of identity may also be experienced, depending on the nature of the relationship with the deceased. Some factors – the complexity of the relationship with the deceased, the young age of deceased / person left behind, and the way they died (sudden, unexpected, brutal etc.) such as suicide – may make the process of grief more complex. The loss of a child is recognised as one of the most difficult losses of all. How a parent may feel after losing a child is beyond my imagination. Of course, the loss is not limited to humans and it could be the loss of your family pet. Different losses bring us different challenges and meanings, resulting in different types and intensity of emotions. So, we need to take our own pace and time to go through a grief processes.

Have you ever lost your special person? What was it like for you?

We experience intense emotions when we face events that are unexpected and unexplainable with our pre-existing belief system. A psychological illness may result if you are carried away by or avoid your intense emotions. It is important to accept your emotions as they are without judgment (=mindfulness). Emotions will eventually subside as you process the experience of the loss. The process may also involve recognition and acceptance of your own limited time in life, too.

Some clients told me that they have to be sad to show their deep love to the deceased, interfering with their recovery. These clients prohibit themselves from feeling joy or feel guilty. The process of grief does not mean that you forget the deceased, but you find a way of living your remaining life with the memories and a new knowledge of limited life. And, it is okay for anyone to feel joy again even after the loss of a loved one.

The last day with your loved one will definitely come. This is not a negative thought or a threat, but a truth that we tend to avoid thinking about. But the strong joy of connecting with our loved ones in daily life will follow once you accept our fatality and limited time we have to share. My sense of happiness and appreciation of connections with families / friends have increased since the experience of losses, too.

Do you live mindfully, as if it is one of your precious days? Do you express your love and appreciation to your important people?

“Next time” may never exist, and the only thing we have for sure is “now”.