Perfectionism
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· by miyukiphd
· (Originally posted) October 17, 2017
Have you heard something called “Perfectionism”?
This is one of the most common conditions seen among my clients. Perfectionists seek unrelenting standards and suffer psychologically due to a sense of pressure they create themselves. This is because a perfectionist’s self-worth depends on (1) comparison with others, (2) achievement, and (3) approval from others.
It is a good recipe for psychological suffering! Perfectionists are more likely to develop anxiety and depression.
Perfectionists tend to believe (subconsciously) “I have to be (better and) perfect”. In addition, they assume (1) we are all the same (strengths/weaknesses), (2) the results are up to us, (3) our own judgement is not reliable and we have to rely on others’ approval, and (4) self-worth is measurable on a universal scale. As a result, they will be anxious/angry/sad when they don’t live up to their unrelenting standards. Also perfectionists may have high standards not only for themselves, but also for others and their environments, and people around them may feel exhausted. It is also common that they lose coherent identity, as they adapt their needs/wants/behaviour to gain approval from others.
It is not uncommon for young individuals in their teens to compare with their peers and to have unstable self-worth, depending on peers’ approval due to their still-developing identity. However, if this continues throughout adulthood, you may be a perfectionist! Then how come some people become pathological perfectionists? What can we do about it?
Psychological conditions are derived from environment, our natural temperament/psychological make-ups, and biological factors (genetics, physical traits etc.). In particular, I would like to focus on ‘environmental factors’ here. Have you grown up, being compared with someone and/or having parents who emphasised outcomes, which made you believe that you cannot be yourself to be understood and accepted? One of children’s basic needs is feeling loved. If a child does not feel loved, this causes great stress to the child. We have different coping styles (depending on environment, temperament, biological factors), some children develop a belief that “they have to improve themselves and be perfect to be loved/accepted”. Eventually, perfectionistic thoughts and behaviours become automatic – yet this is a vicious cycle of maintaining the belief “I am worthless”, as their unrelenting standards are simply unachievable.
Self-acceptance is a key for treating perfectionism – knowing and accepting one’s strengths and limitations. If we know and accept our genuine self, we soon realise how silly it is to compare ourselves with others. It is like comparing cats and lions. Cats can’t be lions and they don’t have to be!
Do you know your genuine self? We develop our identity during childhood through to young adulthood by learning our strengths, limitations, values, and ambitions. Self-accepting adults would adjust their goals to more realistic yet still challenging ones if their initial ambition was too far to reach. Those individuals would not only achieve their goals, but also deepen their self-knowledge in the process. They can also allow themselves to be vulnerable (Good Resource, Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on the Power of Vulnerability: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability).
I will introduce self-acceptance and identity in more depth in another blog article, but if you think you are a perfectionist, you could weaken your perfectionism by identifying your perfectionistic thoughts and behaviour by using cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT, see my blog article on CBT).